When Keeping it Real Goes Right

This morning, I was hanging out in a sixth grade classroom during recess. In the back corner, there was a group of 8-10 students huddled around three girls: Elizabeth and Joanna, seated, looking sullen… and Diamond, standing, and preaching about: keeping it real.

Diamond was yelling: “I hate it when my friends fight!! Yall have just got to keep it REAL!!”

Joanna cracks a smile, and Diamond goes on: ” R-E-A-L!!! Keep it real! You, and me, and Elizabeth, and Yesenia are gunna be friends til the end! But you have got to keep it real!” When her friends have no response to her desperate pleas for realness, Diamond runs over to the bookshelf, grabs the American Heritage Dictionary, and reads aloud the definition of the word ‘real’.

Well, my mind was blown.

The origin of Joanna and Elizabeth’s conflict was never revealed, but Diamond had a captive audience for at least another four minutes, when the bell rang.

Double Down

Pat’s description:

“Picture two juicy, deep-fried chicken breasts. Now, those breasts get titty-fucked by a couple slabs of bacon, lubed up by melty jack cheese and a little splooge of mayo.”

21 year warning

There was a rumor flying around the fifth grade today that CBS reported that there would be an earthquake in the Bay Area today at 4:00 pm. Naturally, they were concerned. I assured them that this was not possible. Bryan’s rebuttal was that he heard it on TV! 

So I was losing. I told them again that there was no way to predict an earthquake—but then I remembered this story I had just heard on NPR this morning (maybe this was a mix-up). 

“Do you mean the earthquake in China?? Because scientists did sort of predict that one, because there was a fore-quake, like a small earthquake that comes right before a big one.”

(No, no, this news story was about a quake that was scheduled for around afternoon-recess time, in San Francisco)

“Well, there would be no way for scientists to predict that, because we haven’t had a fore-shock.”

Dawud excitedly interjects, “Yuh-huh!! There was too an earthquake here! In 1989! That was the fore-shock!”

Anyways, he might be right. gotta stock up on bottled water, like the universities are doing, despite their budget. I already have enough canned food to keep me fat for a month (Grandma always sends me home with spam, corn, and some type of bean). I’ve got my iPhone…I just need a first aid kit and some CashMoney (one word, as published in the student-authored earthquake safety guide given out at my school), and I should be good.

Diabetes emergencies

I was trying to type “Diabetes Type II”, but instead I wrote

“Diabetes Type !!” which is a funny mistake and when I tried to correct it I ended up typing 

“Diabetes Type 11” which is also funny and then I ended up eating 1,000 of these:

oops

I picked the WRONG day to make a reservation at Apple to get my ipod fixed.